The Art of Saying No: Managing Unrealistic Expectations
Set healthy boundaries and manage unrealistic requests without damaging relationships or your reputation
"Can you certify this student today? They're moving tomorrow." "I know the deadline passed three weeks ago, but can you make an exception?" "The VA says we need to fix certifications from two years ago—can you handle that this afternoon?"
As a VASCO, you face constant pressure to accommodate unrealistic requests. Your natural instinct to help student veterans can make it difficult to set boundaries, even when requests are impossible, violate policy, or create unsustainable workload.
Learning to say "no" professionally—or better yet, "not this way, but here's what I can do"—is essential for your effectiveness, work-life balance, and long-term sustainability in the role.
💡 Reframing "No"
Saying "no" doesn't mean you don't care. It means you're protecting your ability to serve all students effectively, maintaining compliance, and ensuring sustainable operations.
Common Unrealistic Requests VASCOs Face
The "Instant Turnaround" Request
"I need to be certified by tomorrow or I can't register for classes."
Why It's Unrealistic:
Certification requires enrollment verification, document review, system processing. Emergency requests disrupt workflow for all other students.
Professional Response:
"Certification typically takes 3-5 business days. If you submitted all documents by [date], I can prioritize your case and likely complete it by [realistic date]. For future terms, submit materials two weeks before registration opens."
The "Bend the Rules" Request
"I know I'm on academic probation, but can you just certify me anyway? I promise I'll do better."
Why It's Unrealistic:
VA regulations aren't suggestions. Certifying ineligible students puts your institution at risk and violates federal law.
Professional Response:
"I understand this is frustrating. Federal regulations require satisfactory academic progress for VA benefits. What I CAN do is help you file a SAP appeal with supporting documentation. Here's the process and timeline..."
The "Everything Is Urgent" Request
Supervisor: "The VA called about an issue from 2022. Can you research this, prepare a report, and fix the certifications by Friday?"
Why It's Unrealistic:
Historical research takes time. Plus you have current certifications, student appointments, and ongoing responsibilities.
Professional Response:
"I'll prioritize this research. Given my current workload, I can have preliminary findings by [date] and a complete report by [realistic date]. If this absolutely must be done by Friday, here's what will be delayed..."
The Three-Part Boundary-Setting Framework
Effective boundary-setting follows a simple structure: Acknowledge + Explain + Offer Alternative
Acknowledge the Request & Emotion
Show you heard and understand why they're asking. This prevents defensiveness and builds rapport:
- • "I can see this is urgent for you..."
- • "I understand you're frustrated by the delay..."
- • "I know this situation is stressful..."
- • "I hear that you're worried about..."
Explain the Constraint Briefly
Don't over-apologize or justify extensively. State the limitation clearly and move on:
- • "...and I'm not able to bypass the SAP requirement because it's federal regulation."
- • "...but I can't expedite this certification because enrollment data won't be available until Monday."
- • "...however, this timeline isn't realistic given my current commitments to other students."
Offer an Alternative or Next Step
Never end with just "no." Provide a path forward, even if it's not what they wanted:
- • "What I CAN do is process this by [realistic date] if you submit [required items] today."
- • "Here's how to file a SAP appeal, which could restore your eligibility..."
- • "I can prioritize this, but that means delaying [other task]. Which would you prefer?"
- • "For future terms, here's how to avoid this situation..."
Scripted Responses for Common Situations
Why Scripts Help
Having pre-planned responses reduces the emotional difficulty of saying no. You're not being mean—you're following your professional script. Practice these until they feel natural.
Situation: Missed Deadline
"I understand you missed the submission deadline, and that's frustrating. Unfortunately, I've already completed this term's certifications and submitted them to the VA. For next term, the deadline is [date]. I recommend setting a reminder two weeks before that date so you have time to gather documents. Is there anything else I can help you with today?"
Situation: After-Hours Contact
"I see you emailed at 9pm—I'm responding now during my office hours. For urgent issues outside business hours, please contact [emergency contact]. For non-urgent matters, I respond to emails within one business day during my hours: Monday-Friday, 8am-5pm. I'm happy to help you now with [their question]."
Situation: Supervisor Adds Unrealistic Task
"I want to make sure I do this thoroughly. Here's my current workload: [list key items]. If this new project takes priority, which of these should I delay or reassign? I'm also happy to discuss options for extending the deadline or bringing in additional support."
Situation: Policy Exception Request
"I hear how important this is to you. This policy exists because of federal VA regulations—it's not something I have authority to waive. What I can do is help you understand the policy, see if your situation qualifies for any existing exceptions, and connect you with [appropriate authority] if you want to request a formal exception review."
Maintaining Relationships While Setting Boundaries
The Paradox of Boundaries
Many VASCOs fear that saying "no" will damage relationships. In reality, the opposite is true: Clear boundaries build respect and sustainable relationships. People who violate your boundaries weren't respecting you to begin with.
No Boundaries = Problems
- • Resentment builds
- • Quality of work suffers
- • Burnout approaches
- • Inconsistent service
- • Others learn to push harder
Clear Boundaries = Benefits
- • Mutual respect grows
- • Sustainable service quality
- • Career longevity
- • Predictable expectations
- • Healthier work relationships
Techniques for Difficult Conversations
Use "I" Statements
"I need to maintain realistic timelines" rather than "You're being unreasonable"
Stay Calm and Professional
Take a breath before responding. You don't have to match their emotional intensity.
Broken Record Technique
If they keep pushing, calmly repeat your boundary: "As I mentioned, the deadline was [date]. For this term, I'm not able to accommodate late submissions."
Don't JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain)
Brief explanation is fine. Extended justification invites negotiation. State the boundary and move forward.
Self-Care and Boundary Maintenance
Remember: Boundaries Are Self-Care
Setting boundaries isn't selfish—it's essential for sustaining your ability to serve students effectively over the long term.
Physical Boundaries
Office hours, closed-door time, lunch breaks, not checking email at 11pm
Time Boundaries
Realistic deadlines, protecting focus time, not agreeing to "quick" interruptions
Emotional Boundaries
Not taking others' frustration personally, seeking support when stressed
Key Takeaways
- 1.Use the three-part framework: Acknowledge + Explain + Offer Alternative
- 2.Have scripted responses ready for common unrealistic requests
- 3.Clear boundaries actually strengthen professional relationships
- 4.Saying "no" protects your ability to serve all students effectively